Last night was a very slow night. I need more content for my website!

I really like doing what I do. I must say it really is discouraging when times get hard. As with any job, hustle or profession one always has to take the bad with the good. It’s really not easy. As weak as the media and most insensitive perspectives may frown and judge the industry I support and am indefinitely apart of; I feel the need for such industry workers.

Anyway; when it gets really hard in these streets; it gets ugly. Some nights seem way colder than others. And the others don't have enough hours in a day... It’s really easy to stay up 24+ without using a drug or anything to cause havoc later. I am drug free including marijuana. I’m proud of myself; because it was a long, hard and drama filled road. I mean seriously. When I look back at how much fun I had; I reflect on the money I wasted, the time it took for me to get where I am today that really would have been so much easier if I had never indulged in any of those behaviors.

When I was introduced to this lifestyle; drugs was not apart of any equation. I knew of others who made their choices but it wasn't for me. I saw what all substances did too many loved ones. I was completely anti-narcotics of any substance even prescriptions. My vice was money. A drink here and there; I claimed alcoholism at a younger age in my teens to be more exact. I drank Bacardi Vodka, Crown royal, and Scotch! Yea those were the days. Many fights, arguments, staying up late crying and furthermore... Many relationships gone...

The first time I tried a drug was June 6, 2006; an extremely emotionally low point in my life. Physically I was stable. Emotionally I was frantic. I mean; life got really disturbing. I hung out with people I couldn't ever imagine knowing. My close peers never knew about these contacts... I guess that says a lot in its own...

My drug of choice became cocaine. It started as a social think. "All my friends are doing it!" Then it became dependence. I would only do it after I came home from work... In no time at all; I was like crazy craving it... I wanted it all the time. I had to get some after work to "wind down" after a nights work. I started working more often and endangering myself.

Now that I look back to these times I wonder WTF! I was a crack whore; how dare anyone else ever think that way or say those things about me. I don't work for money... I get it for free... Ok so yes I was getting free drugs from dealers I knew but mainly I was apart of a network where everyone put in. At this point in time I retreated back to my real friends where I was able to come out and not hide my drug usage from them. They all were so surprise but then began including me into their drug filled lives. The same ones I tried helping out of this life I ended up being the same as. Only a tad bit worse. I become out there with my usage. I didn't hide it from anyone; but I kept myself very well manicured and always looking right! Oh I felt like I was a true DIVA!

Every so often I could stop cold turkey or just simply slow my intake. I lived in Vegas so of course life was a party scene every day! On the other side of it life was a party scene everyday. I had all the upgrades, new clothes, newest hairstyles, the in-peers. Life was really like a box of fuckin chocolates!

I temporarily relocated to SoCal. Met a few acquaintances and tried a new drug; ecstasy. That was like whoa...

Cocaine wasn't as ready and available within the acquaintances I became familiar with. I operated days without sleep and when I did I would crash. I didn't do the party scene it was all work. That was my mission during the journey I took to California anyway.

I was new in the adult film industry; I had so much potential for growth and bookings for my appearances nationwide! Man life was all gravy and then it took a turn...

Life took a huge turn when I was arrested for possession... Possession of Cocaine; in the County of Orange. The Biggest mistake of my life. "I was slipping" I really fucked up this time...

With everything on a mandatory hold; I had so many promises to appear and events to promote, co-host, from the U.S. to the Caribbean...

I went through Santa Ana Courts in Orange County. Uhhggg! Not cool, not fun... Definitely no class... Well at least not mine. Just gross and so fuckin nasty. I was transferred to a facility in Irvine called the Farm; not by personal request of course; part of classification. My first time being arrested in California; at least. The Farm was a bit more comfortable, nevertheless it was still jail. The other inmates were ridiculously full of drama. I kept to myself and only spoke when needed. I slept during the times I could and did a lot of thinking. I sat in there for 3 weeks with no one to know about. To everyone in my personal life they assumed I vanished. My phone was going straight too voicemail. I wasn't returning any text. I was a no show for several bookings and wasn't available to confirm my appearances for others... What a fuckin dread.

I slept during the day and sat awake on my lower cot during the night. Not because I was adjusted to the hours but mainly because it was quite. No disturbances. I sat writing my thoughts and plans. What and how I would elevate my career for this to never occur again. I came with some really cold ideas. I was so excited and amped I was just waiting to be released. Being in jail for any Holiday is really depressing.

I wondered what my family was thinking about my absence. They weren't used to be not showing calling or being with and apart of the functions. Disappointed and worried I know.

I wish I had known then what I know now. I had my case beaten but I failed to seek legal advice; I didn't remember anyone’s number and I plead guilty to all charges. DUMB DUMB DUMB. The dumbest move ever. I wish I could go back in time. I would not have pleaded guilty and accepted 3 years of felony probation with the chance of dismissal. I would have pleaded guilty and sat for 90 days with no probation upon release. Or I would have contacted an attorney and fought for a dismissed case. I have a few hundred dollars confiscated that upon my release I could have put towards the retainer fee and I would have worked hard to fulfill the rest.

I swore to never use another drug. I promised to go hard every chance i could even if i needed to make a door open. I was thankful for my promotion and foot in the door within the adult film biz. This setback couldn't hold me back. Now; a year and a half later the activities and mistakes of one night has caused a ripple effect. Within 90 days I relapsed once in the attempt to return to my previous ways; during the time that if I just sat for 90 days I would be released with no paper trail... I was vulnerable. It was also an excuse.

Almost two years later I am still drug free! I plan to remain that way. Of course I didn't quit because I wanted to but because I had to. But then again; I did want to stop using which is why I am currently drug free! So many people use drugs while on probation. I was too scared! And that’s not the life I want to live. I don't want to be strung out and dependent and I have two legs that are fully capable of standing, walking, and running; they dance when the price is right! I am sober and still enjoy my profession!

-- Sent from my T-Mobile Sidekick®